After a few years break to concentrate on writing a book, Paul Balm returns to article writing for The Cat’s Whiskers by summarising the last few months for Nottingham Panthers and how both club and supporters continue to battle through adversity since the passing of Adam Johnson.
It’s been a while since I’ve done this – sat down at a keyboard and written an article but the events of the last few months and in particular the last few days have triggered the urge in me again so here I am hammering at the keyboard trying to get what is spinning around in my head onto paper.
Let’s start with a little context to explain things.
I wasn’t in Nottingham (or Sheffield) when the Adam Johnson incident occurred. I was on holiday on the south coast and that meant a stream of messages going back and forth in a vain attempt to find out what was going on, A lot of sitting in a pub refreshing Twitter and a phone battery that ended up almost flat got me a bit further so I knew something was up. I didn’t know any facts, they were as rare as hens teeth but I knew the basics. Like many I awoke to the news that Adam had sadly died overnight. That left me feeling numb and dazed. I didn’t know where to turn, I only had telephone contact with my friends so I think I ended up internalising it and carrying it with me. There was no visit to pay my respects for me, flowers were sent with a friend who was going to the arena, no getting together with anyone to share the grieving process or whatever you want to call it. Just me and a wife that doesn’t attend matches so didn’t really understand any of it.
The rest of that week was surreal. What exactly were we doing on the BBC sport bulletins, never mind as the first item? For a week or two we were thrust into the centre of a very bright spotlight whilst the world picked over what had happened. It felt very uncomfortable sitting at the centre of all that media frenzy, even if I was just watching from the side. Here we were, the Nottingham Panthers, a very small cog in the machine that is ice hockey and we were being scrutinised by all and sundry. I thought it would die down fairly quickly but it seemed to rumble on and on. And why exactly was I always in a rush to get back so I could watch the news in case…
I think the gathering at the Arena on the Saturday was a release for many. It didn’t matter about having to queue around the arena concourse twice to get in. There was a solemnity and feeling of sombreness as we stood in the queue waiting to get in amongst our friends. There was little talk and what there was carried out in hushed tones. Once we got down to ice level and saw the display in there alongside all the books of condolence I think that’s when it all hit me. The odd, otherness of the last week went and the whole thing combined with the solemnity of queueing felt like a funeral. I didn’t cry, I just kept it within me again and comforted those around me. Is that what I do in moments like that?
Except it wasn’t really the end. The thing with funerals is that they can sort of be a way of leaving everything behind you. You don’t forget the person whose funeral you’ve attended, the closer they are to you the more you remember but a funeral is a way of leaving certain stuff behind you.
And then we had the memorial game against Manchester. Did they come back too quickly? Should they have come back at all? Those are both questions for someone smarter than me to answer but it was good to get back into the building watching the sport we all love in front of full stands. Should we have won that game? Probably not, Manchester seemed to fluff their lines (deliberately or not who can say) time and again in that third period to keep it at a draw.
Finally, we get to today following that dreadful run of results. I think it’s only three wins in twenty games and that should really be sacking territory for the coaching staff. This year is different. You only have to look at the interviews with Head coach Jonathan Parades back on December 23rd and Kevin Moore earlier this week to see the obvious effect the whole situation is having on them. They have to juggle the emotions and stresses of the players in an attempt to send them out to get a result. Those tensions are starting to show and I think that’s what caused the sheer unexpected outpouring of realism we got from Kevin Moore after the loss to Glasgow earlier this week. There are times when you’re asked a question and something in your head just snaps and you think “**** it I’m going to say what I think” and he did. I don’t want to get into hockey cliches but look at the interview Corey Neilson did after the game in Dundee towards the end of last season when he talked about benching a player. We all knew who it was and the whole thing came as no surprise but actually hearing it was a shock, this was one of those moments. I was warned something big was coming but I didn’t expect him to come out and simply say that what was going on was a result of watching their friend die in front of them. To say something like that shows a level of honesty that frankly is missing from most interviews.
I’ve left games angry this season like, I suspect, many of us have but I can feel that it is a different type of anger. Wednesday night was something like that. I was angry at the way that the game crumbled from beneath our feet, but that anger was tinged with a feeling of despair at what was going to happen next. I don’t think that feeling has left me since some time before Christmas and I’m slowly coming to realise that it won’t be going anywhere soon. And then on top of that we got the Kevin Moore interview and that forced any anger to drain anyway.
We’re now in a situation where it feels like we’re being left to carry the grief on our collective backs while the rest of the world runs away to be normal. Am I expecting teams to come to Nottingham roll over? No, not at all. I’d much rather they came here and gave us a game. But that handing over of grief or at least stepping away from it is perfectly natural. They will go on and return to normal leaving us trailing in their wake as we attempt to do the same thing. It will take us longer, of course it will we’re in a much worse situation than them and will continue to be.
I think we need to decide, as a team, an organisation, player and fan where we go next. With only Victor Björkung leaving as a result of this situation it leaves us with a team of players who are clearly still struggling and will continue to struggle for some time. The organisation need (and I know have) to ensure that the team get the help and assistance they need to deal with their mental health. The coaching staff have been cut a tremendous amount of slack this past couple of months and the effects are showing. I’m not one of those people calling for the whole team to be re-signed for next year, I think that would be folly but I do think they need a fair crack of the whip, which they obviously haven’t had this year. They built a team around a player and that player was lost so abruptly (this isn’t like Brett Welychka leaving last year) so what were they supposed to do?
We as fans need to remember what is going on and what has happened. I see people calling for the coaching staff or individual players to be sacked and no holds barred Facebook groups for people to have their say because they are worried that people won’t like what they’ve got to say. To those I say if you’ve got an opinion that people might not like, it doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make them a bad one either. Maybe just keep those thoughts to yourself or at the very least think before you type. It’s easy to lash out in anger so if you think player a or player b need to go, keep it to yourself or amongst your friends. You never know who is watching. And if you think the coaching staff need to go just watch the interviews from the 23rd December or 24th January to see the amount of pressure they are under.
We have to take a positive from every game we play – we had two good periods on Wednesday so there was that. Keep searching for those positives and revel in them and try and leave the negativity behind you. This journey we are all on is a long one with many ups and downs, some completely visible and some hidden. Keep going, keep supporting the team if and when you can and if you need help, make sure you get it and that way we will all get there.
Whatever you do, however you get through this, I wish you all well and remember if there are storms in your life they pass like all storms will and we will get to the sunny weather again.
If you would like to read more from Paul, his book Nottingham Panthers: A Day by Day Guide is available to buy from Amazon. You can also follow him on Twitter/X @NotMrBalm
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