Panthers fan and fan of the podcast Sam Killip got in touch with us to offer a different perspective on the overriding subject matter of this season. Sam also has two blog pages that you can visit which cover the subject matters of Dyspraxia, Autism and Mental Health, dyspraxicsam.wordpress.com and mentalhealthmatterssk.wordpress.com
Grief is a rollercoaster, every day is different. And if you’re like me and don’t enjoy theme parks, the idea of rollercoaster churns the insides. The experience of grief, is very much like the career pathway I am pursuing… squiggly.
Unfortunately, I lost a close friend myself in the first quarter of 2023. She was in her mid-twenties like myself, and I was torn apart by this. It was one of very few reciprocal friendships for me, someone who would sometimes by the one who would say hello first, rather than me having to be first all the time. She was a true inspiration, and worked hard to raise money via gala dinners and other events for a charity close to both of our hearts, the Dyspraxia Foundation, I dedicated an award I won at the Dyspraxia Foundation AGM in July, to her. Whilst collecting my award and delivering my speech, it was an incredibly emotional moment and I was still in shock at this time, that someone had passed so young. At various points in the year, such as her birthday, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I couldn’t stop thinking about that empty seat at the table, and how her family would feel.
But I would use everything I was lucky to learn from my conversations with my friend, to continue to do things in her honour. That is relative to how this group of incredibly resilient Nottingham Panthers players, have continued to play in honour of our number 47, Adam Johnson.
The rollercoaster keeps going on, as do the players.
Like I said, a rollercoaster goes up and down, just like our emotions. There are so many fans with different thought processes with regards to the team at the moment. This is just a space where I want to share what I feel right now.
Before the game vs Glasgow Clan that I went to on Wednesday 24th January, I did begin to feel that there was something else at play other than grief. I felt that, there is a point where the players should be able to win a game for the first time since a win against Fife on January 7th, but at the same time, I know that it is not as simple as that. I know full well the players can win. They beat Cardiff, they beat Guildford whilst not allowing them to score, and they beat Fife, but sometimes, in fact, a lot of the time, luck comes into it. Talent, effort and luck are all components to being successful in any context. The players’ effort has no limits, the talent is there and for the most part, the minutes the players are playing matches the talent of the individual. But the amount of bounces that have gone the opponents way in so many games, this has been the thing that has gone against us so often, in a time of huge mental strain for these players.
Of course, any fan would be sad to see us lose as many games as we have, I would question any fan who wouldn’t be. The thing to be truly proud of though, is that these players have decided to battle on together, they have decided to give people like myself that element of shared experience in a 3rd space that I don’t really get outside of Motorpoint Arena. And I truly love that feeling of togetherness and camaraderie. Not to forget the pick and mix and lemonade.
I’m not blind to the fact that this season is about marginal gains from this point onwards, ever since the tragic events of late October, any points the team acquire is a step in the right direction.
But this sense of marginal gains, should also be seen in a way where critique is allowed to exist. Like I said, once the Glasgow game had come and gone, both myself and my dad were heavily disappointed about the way we lost that game, having been three goals to the good and I feel that from how the game panned out, there should be a world that exists where fans have the platform to respectfully begin to say what they feel about the team.
Collective accountability is important in any walk of life, otherwise you just end up accepting mediocrity as a long-lasting culture. Let me be clear, I don’t for one minute feel this season can be labelled as anything other than an emotional challenge for these players. I will never call it pathetic, embarrassing, or any word synonymous with those, but I do believe fans have every right to start to fairly judge what the eye test is showing out there on the ice. Let me ask, if assistant coach, Kevin Moore, can do this when he comes out in praise of certain players whilst not naming other players in his praise, then do you not think that this is also a hint that he is thinking things about other players, without having to say things. What I feel he is doing, is setting the positive example for players who aren’t quite there yet. By saying “Stephen Anderson was flying, Carl Neill basically killed a 5 on 3 penalty, he was out there for the entire thing, Otto was unbelievable… Do you not think this almost begins to lay down the gauntlet in some way, shape or form? Eventually, there has to be marginal signs of improvement from every player. This does not happen overnight, of course it doesn’t, but ultimately, these players did decide they had it within them to come back, and eventually, if the fans don’t see that things have that even miniscule of trajectory to them, they will speak up. And as long as this is done in a way that symbolises kindness and acceptance of what has been, there is no problem with this.
Before the game against Sheffield, I had the pleasure of walking from Broadmarsh Car Park to the arena, alongside my dad’s friend and a couple of other Panthers fans. Together, we were all able to respectfully critique what we had recently seen. Some fans may be keen to forget the 2022-23 season, and I wouldn’t blame them, now, that season, one could be well within their rights to label as an embarrassment, as in any normal season, the lowest I would be acceptant of the Panthers finishing up is 4th. We are one of four teams who are the “arena teams”, so to me, anything lower than 4th for the size of fan base we have is something to be critical of, 7th place is a disaster. Now, this season, there are mitigating circumstances, so any fan who sees 10th place as a disaster, well, there is context. It’s not a pretty sight, and in my opinion, there should be a realm of possibility where the players are inspired from, albeit what has been a deeply saddening scenario from them, to go out there and win for their friend and team mate. But like I said, it is different and at the end of the day, the players that remain are players who, unfortunately, haven’t been part of a successful environment.
Those players who have been added to this roster, I would like to see them back next season, especially those who have only recently joined the club. But those players who were part of the 2022-23 capitulation, should in my opinion, be moved on. I look at the production of players on other teams, including this season’s Sheffield team and the Belfast team that won the treble last season, and I see players who, for the majority of the part, were recruited from similar teams. So, in all honesty, I don’t understand why the players that still remain from that 2022-23 roster, have not set the world alight in Nottingham. These thoughts I am discussing now, were echoed by the couple I walked to the arena with.
Like I mentioned earlier, there needs to be a collective accountability throughout the club, from the recruitment team to the coaching staff, to the players. It is imperative that these individuals are all on the same page, otherwise the environment becomes unstable and as we have seen (referring to the 2022-23 season), things can quickly fall apart. Rather than moving on from coach after coach and seeing a revolving door of players so rapidly, I would like to see a culture change at the club where, once we have moved past this season, the attitudes of everyone at the club are aligned. Once coaches have a strong understanding of a set of players, said set of players are coachable and capable of elevating their game to the next level, and the other club departments function well, we will slowly and surely, start to see this club back at the top of British ice hockey once again.
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